Her Shape in the sun
Apr 01st 2010 19:50
Air, she just sits nearby the window, as the fine sunshine of the afternoon, gently covers her body.
She's in a coffee colored clothes, and the warm bright sun is just around her.
But she has never taken me.
I'm so alone.
She's in a coffee colored clothes, and the warm bright sun is just around her.
But she has never taken me.
I'm so alone.
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Air, she just sits nearby the window, as the fine sunshine of the afternoon gently covers her body. (take out comma)
She's in a coffee-colored clothes, and the warm bright sun is just around her. (take out "a," add hyphen between coffee and colored) (maybe you could use a more poetic metaphor for the sun, like "wrapped around her")
But she has never taken me. (taken? do you mean "noticed"? "talked to"?)
I'm so alone. :( (You should use a more poetic metaphor here, too, like she is wrapped in the sun, but you are in the shade--that would emphasize that you are apart. "I'm so alone" by itself is too much of a change from the metaphors you were using earlier.)
Write a poem (not about her, maybe about springtime or something nice) and then ask if she can help you with a metaphor? You'll feel better if you try to talk to her, I think :)
Well... you know, my vocabulary is poor...
I think it's better to read more books.
for the penultimate line, I mean "noticed".
I agree with loyalty's corrections.