Competition or Cooperation
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I wrote up my English essay for IELTS writing section part 2.
Could you check my answer below please?
Question (you don't have to proofread these question sentences)
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You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taugh to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
You should write at least 250 words.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
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Answer
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Nowadays, competition among individuals has intensified across the border as globalization has progressed. In response, some people claim that children should be surrounded in competition. On the other hand, others mention that children need to learn cooperation rather than competition. In my opinion, competition is more important than cooperation for younger people.
Cooperation was considered a virtue among Japanese people. The ethos supported prosperity of Japanese companies from 1960 to 1990. As a result, Japan became one of the greatest economic powers in the world. However, in a recent Japanese business field where globalization pervaded, the ethos was not applicable any more. In the case of my company, the number of overseas employees is increasing day by day. Some of them are more productive than Japanese employees, and they prefer competition to cooperation. It would be time to accept culture of competition for most Japanese companies facing globalization. That is why children going into such a business society should get used to competition.
In addition, Competition brings about an advantage to a younger generation, which is high performance. According to the research conducted by some high school in Japan, the students in classes that revealed their individual test scores to all the classmates got 1.3 times higher grades than the students in classes that did not. This research proved competition enhanced students' capacity.
In conclusion, children would be required to get accustomed to competition because they would be surrounded in competition when they get older as well as competition reinforces their ability.
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Thank you so much for your proofreading!!
Could you check my answer below please?
Question (you don't have to proofread these question sentences)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taugh to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
You should write at least 250 words.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answer
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Nowadays, competition among individuals has intensified across the border as globalization has progressed. In response, some people claim that children should be surrounded in competition. On the other hand, others mention that children need to learn cooperation rather than competition. In my opinion, competition is more important than cooperation for younger people.
Cooperation was considered a virtue among Japanese people. The ethos supported prosperity of Japanese companies from 1960 to 1990. As a result, Japan became one of the greatest economic powers in the world. However, in a recent Japanese business field where globalization pervaded, the ethos was not applicable any more. In the case of my company, the number of overseas employees is increasing day by day. Some of them are more productive than Japanese employees, and they prefer competition to cooperation. It would be time to accept culture of competition for most Japanese companies facing globalization. That is why children going into such a business society should get used to competition.
In addition, Competition brings about an advantage to a younger generation, which is high performance. According to the research conducted by some high school in Japan, the students in classes that revealed their individual test scores to all the classmates got 1.3 times higher grades than the students in classes that did not. This research proved competition enhanced students' capacity.
In conclusion, children would be required to get accustomed to competition because they would be surrounded in competition when they get older as well as competition reinforces their ability.
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Thank you so much for your proofreading!!
Nowadays, competition among individuals has intensified internationally as globalization has progressed.
In response, some people claim that children should be taught to compete more.
On the other hand, others claim/insist that children need to learn cooperation rather than competition.
"Mention" just means to say something, not to support a point of view or advocate something.
Cooperation was once considered a virtue among Japanese people. [Alternative: "Competition has (always) been considered a virtue..."]
This ethos supported the prosperity of Japanese companies from 1960 to 1990.
However, in contemporary business conditions pervaded/dominated by globalization, the ethos is not applicable any more.
It is time for most Japanese companies facing globalization to accept the culture of competition .
In addition, competition brings about an advantage to the younger generation, which is high performance.
According to the research conducted by some high schools in Japan, the students in classes that revealed their individual test scores to all the classmates got 1.3 times higher grades than the students in classes that did not.
In conclusion, children should be required to get accustomed to competition because they will be in a competitive environment when they get older. Also, competition reinforces their ability.
"This research proved competition enhanced students' capacity."
No. It proved that competition increased the grades that students got on tests. It does NOT prove that they learned more, or had better skills concerning the material being tested. It proves that they learned how to get better grades on tests, and little else. Doing well on tests is not a good measurement of whether genuine learning has taken place; it is well known that there are strategies for performing well on tests which do not enhance either the depth of learning or the retention of the information learned.
I disagree with your assertions that competition results in "high performance" and "reinforces abilities". The study you mentioned does not support either assertion-- it only addresses performance on tests, not performance in the sense of using what is learned. I think the idea that competition leads to better results is a self-perpetuating myth; it is quite obvious to me that more can be accomplished by genuine cooperation (which is different from blindly following orders) than by competition.
Actually, I thought that the third paragraph in this essay might not coherent and persuasive. Your point out is correct.
In addition, I am proud of Japanese culture such as cooperation, being modest, and being punctual etc. However, I dared to write this essay from the opposite point of view for my practice of brain-storming.
In the case of my company Canon, the staff in sales department are evaluated by not only their sales figures but also contribution to the department. I find the personnel evaluation system very practical.
(please correct if my sentences have mistake.)
"I am proud of Japanese (cultural) values such as..."
"I challenged myself to write this essay..." "for practice in brainstorming"
"the staff members in/of the sales department are evaluated not only by their sales figures, but also their contributions to the department."
"I find this personnel evaluation system"
Your writing is excellent, by the way.
I'm glad to hear that we agree about this. I think that the tendency of Japanese people to put the interest of groups that they belong to ahead of their own personal interest is a great cultural strength, and I would be sorry to see it abandoned.
In my opinion, the value, cooperation, still exists in Japanese society. It is not abandoned. The impoprtance will increase as Japan get involved in globalizaiton:)
"Point out" is a phrasal verb meaning to call attention to something.
An observation which someone expresses in speech or in writing is sometimes called a "point".
"make a point" = "point out something" = call attention to something: "That's a good point (you've made)."
"The three main points of his argument were ..."
"What's your point?" (Why are you saying all of this? What's the purpose behind your words?)
Thanks for pointing out my grammatical mistake for me.
Nowadays, competition among individuals has intensified across the border internationally as globalization has progressed.
In response, some people claim that children should be surrounded by competition.
On the other hand, others believe that children need to learn to cooperate rather than to compete.
Believe/Claim/Insist all work better than "mention".
Cooperation was once considered a virtue among the Japanese people.
This ethos supported prosperity of Japanese companies from 1960 to 1990.
However, in a recent Japanese business field where globalization pervaded, the ethos is no longer applicable any more.
In the case of my company, the number of overseas employees is increasing day-by-day.
Some of them are more productive than Japanese employees, and they prefer to compete rather than to cooperate.
It may be time to accept a culture of competition for those Japanese companies facing globalization.
That is why children going into such a globalized society should get used to competition.
globalized society sounds a bit more natural, in my opinion.
In addition, competition helps make the younger generation perform better.
According to the research conducted by some high school in Japan, the students in classes that revealed their individual test scores to all the classmates got 1.3x times higher grades than the students in classes that did not.
Which did you mean to say: "some high school" or "some high schools" or "a high school". There is a slight difference between all three. Also, while you could write out "1.3 times", some Americans may write it out as "1.3x" which means the same thing.
This research proved competition enhanced students' capacity to excel.
In conclusion, children should be required to get accustomed to competition-based environments because they would be surrounded by competition when they get older, as well as the fact that competition improves their abilities.
this way sounds a bit more natural
がんばって
Your corrections are very helpful to me!!