I corrected it because it's too long ! my writing is about death penalty
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Need for the Death Penalty
I agree that imposing the death penalty as a punishment for the worst crimes is a good thing.
In the world, many people commit sins.
Some people kill other person or some people rape women.
Usually, these terrible crimes are committed by people who are deprived of a good education.
Because their parents are bad, so they couldn't educate well their children and they make trouble.
In fact, the blame lies with the criminals and, by extension, with the hard social structure such as the law of the jungle.
However, despite such evidence, we should admit that the crime criminals committed can't be forgiven, especially in murder cases.
At least, now born of man, killing same humans is biggest crime among the crimes. No matter what happens, human must not kill the human.
In this case, murderers give up becoming human being, so we must not sympathize them any more.
Life is very important and nobody can not violate anyone else’s life. However, murderers kill people too easily.
This is not a simple problem.
They violate human dignity and they can't feel other person's pain.
Therefore, murderers deserve death and I believe that the death penalty is essential for three reasons.
I agree that it is a good thing to impose the death penalty as a punishment for the worst crimes.
For instance, some people kill other person or rape women.
Their parents might take the responsibility of these cime, because they couldn't educate their children well and never sense that they would make trouble.
don't use because...so...it is a big mistake.
I rewrite this sentence, hope you don't mind
If you are going to take an exam, there is an advice.
You don't need many tough words, only thing you need is to read more passage, and learn to write sentence in different structure. not always put Howerer, Usually, at the begining~~
당신의 숙제처럼 보여요. 이게 전체 너무 긴 에세이예요. 단 글의 작은 부분이에요. 우리는 너를 위한 당신의 숙제를 하지 거예요. 여기 당신은 새 사람이에요. 다른 사람의 글을 보세요. 짧은 이것이에요. 이건 간단 단어를 사용한다. 만약 당신의 쓰기 방법을 바꾸다면 당신은 다시 한번 제 친구를 될 수 있을지도 몰라요. 비 정치 및 비 논쟁적인 주제 에 대한 글을 써야 돼요. 그렇지 않다면 당신은 아마도 단 논쟁을 초대를 시작할 거예요, 그들은 아무것도 수정하지 않을 거예요.... 이건 좋은 조언이에요.
I don't understand