studying overseas

PUBLIC_FLAG_#{@journal.pf_int} RSS feed of jiro's latest journal entries Feb 03rd 2011 15:11
This is the information of a student who want to study abroad.
I want this letter checked for the application of a study tour.
Please read and check this passage as an official letter.

He performs well in subjects like world history, P.E., and Bible study with good grades. Especially he is good at using his physical skills and performs distinctively in subjects like P.E. Also, he is good at arts, and tries hard in Japanese and English at his own pace. As a whole, he has the average skills. He studies patiently in science and has improved especially in general science B.

He is stable, and able to deal with problems evenly. He is insightful, and thinks over his behaviors and thoughts and willing to improve. He doesn't easily depend on others but tries hard by himself, and also he is good at cooperating with others to make things better. Now, he desires to study English hard and make himself a better being.

Thanks for reading this.
Feb 03rd 2011 15:48 Lyren

  • This is the information of a student who want to study abroad.
  • This is the information of a student who wants to study abroad.

 

  • I want this letter checked for the application of a study tour.
  • I would like this letter checked for the application of a study tour.

 

  • Especially he is good at using his physical skills and performs distinctively in subjects like P.
  • He is especially good at using his physical skills and performs with distinction in subjects like P.

 

  • Also, he is good at arts, and tries hard in Japanese and English at his own pace.
  • Also, he is good at art, and tries hard in Japanese and English at his own pace.

 

  • As a whole, he has the average skills.
  • On the whole, he has average skills. ["as a whole" implies you are considering many objects. Since you are evaluating just one person's set of skills, it sounds more natural to say "On the whole". e.g., "As a whole, they're a great team, but individually, they could use some more practice." Putting "the" makes it sound like "average skills" is a set idea, rather than an evaluation of his skills. ]

 

  • He studies patiently in science and has improved especially in general science B.
  • He studies patiently in science and has improved greatly, especially in general science B.

 

  • He is stable, and able to deal with problems evenly.
  • He is a steady learner, and able to deal with problems with a level head.

 

  • He is insightful, and thinks over his behaviors and thoughts and willing to improve.
  • He is insightful, thinks over his behaviors and thoughts, and is willing to improve.

 

  • He doesn't easily depend on others but tries hard by himself, and also he is good at cooperating with others to make things better.
  • He doesn't slack off and depend on others, but tries hard by himself, and is also good at cooperating with others to make things better. [Saying "doesn't easily" makes it sound like it is hard for him to depend on others, even if he wants to. There is no need to say "he" at the beginning of a new clause.]

 

  • Now, he desires to study English hard and make himself a better being.
  • Now, he desires to study English hard and make himself a better person.

 

  • Thanks for reading this.
  • Thank you for reading this. [This sounds more professional]

 
Relatively few problems, even if this hadn't been corrected it's a perfectly fine letter. Just some things to make it sound more natural.
Feb 04th 2011 08:17 jiro
Thank you for reading, Lyren. I still have many things to improve. I appreciate it. Jiro
jiro
  • Japanese
  • English, French

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